How to Reclaim Your Worth After Emotional Distance + EMOTIONAL ABUSE

In part one of last week uncovered the wounds, actions and, or reactions of attachment styles. This week we will focus on medicine and the deep wounds the dismissive avoidant attachment style leaves behind. As usual, I will give you examples and context to help you understand the depth of attachment styles, core values and the after dating or being in a relationship who is emotionally distant, dismissive, etc. 

Just to recap on the styles, there are avoidant (fear or dismissive), secure and anxious attachment styles. Where I have the Anxious and Secure Attachment Styles and the Situationship has an Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style. 

So, that means I love to be very close to my romantic partner and I have a great capacity for intimacy. Therefore when I don’t feel like I am being heard, seen, respected, appreciated, valued or loved, I pull away, or react by saying or doing things that are out of character. An individual like the “Situationship”, who has an dismissive avoidant attachment style tends to keep his partner at an arms length, emotionally distant, sends mixed signals, devalues you and the relationship, lies, changes the subject or dismisses a heavy conversation for their own personal gain and usually has to have the last word, without closure.

The important thing here is realizing what the wounds are and naming them. Today we are going to focus on the dismissive avoidant attachment style. I have chosen to do this because most of my friends, clients and of course myself, have recently left a marriage, relationship, situationship, or they are an avoidant themselves. Below is an example of a true situation that has left wounds from someone who processes as a dismissive avoidant with an anxious secure attachment style.

Since I am writing my book, I want to get as many of the facts right as well at the same time work on myself from our past and my past traumas. I believe in always growing and healing my wounds, for myself and my partner.

And in doing so, I get to see all of the red flags that were there that I ignored and didn't realize that they were, which is irreparable damage to my nervous system. And in this, I realized, and I have said this to him many times, that he missed his ex before me and never really healed from their relationship and the betrayal he felt from her which he in turn passed it on to me. He was in love with her and just before we stopped speaking recently, he ran into her at their college friend's wedding. Now I understand why he has been so cold and dismissive. The feelings he has for her are still there and we both, well all 3 of us are in the same neighborhood. 

A Story For Context

Let me paint a picture of facts for you,  and there is definitely truth when they say, if someone wants you,  they will actively pursue you and show you...remember when I said he only said I Love You to me twice in 11 years and I always chucked it up to his past with his parents' divorce but as I was going through things, I came across the messages between his ex and him from his Facebook Messenger, all while watching Darrow, his cat, over Thanksgiving in 2016, while he went to his sister's in Arizona. Two years into our relationship. And this was the same year he asked me if I would ever sign a prenup. 

The messages contain many I love you's, 7x in 2 days to be exact. He said he will never love someone as much as her, that he would die for her, and spoke about getting married. All of this within a 2 day span. 

One of the many messages I ended up seeing from him to his ex and the words I never heard from him but longed for.

You know I will never be able to make sense of all of this or him or even get the truth, honesty from him. I have to go on healing with the facts that I have and the choices and decisions I made within the relationship, like choosing to stay, when there was NO clear sign that he was ever in love with me let alone loved me. 

Learning more about psychology, actions, reactions, and the whys will never heal my trauma and pain from being misled by him but most importantly, from myself. This is acceptance for what was, what is, and move forward without answers. Feeling the void and knowing I AM ENOUGH and I AM WORTH more than I ever received from him or gave myself. 

Just to name a few wounds that are left with your person in your life, that leave a lasting wound that takes very long to heal or never leaves the nervous system and some partners never go back into relationships, due to some wounds. 

The lasting wounds and examples are: (These are all on the Inspired Warrior Project Instagram as well. Go Save them.)

1. Emotional Abandonment: You feel alone in the relationship. Wound “My needs don’t matter”

2. Chronic Self-Doubt: Your feelings are minimized. “You're too sensitive.” Wound: You feel a loss of self trust, questioning your reality. 

3. Hypervigilance & Anxiety: Obsessing over texts, their tone, their silence. Wound: Living in fight or flight, never at ease.

4. Fear of Abandonment: Every withdrawal feels like rejection. Wound: Clinging to love that doesn’t feel safe. 

5. Loneliness in Togetherness: Sitting beside them, yet starving for connection. Wound: Isolation + emptiness, even when not alone. 

6. Silencing Yourself: Learning to shrink, mute your needs, avoid conflict. Wound: Abandoning your authentic self. 

7. Nervous System Toll: Stress is on repeat = anxiety, depression, and exhaustion. Wound: Your body carries the trauma of their distance (Meaning you can feel everything above still in your body, causing your body to be in a heightened state)

Now, take a moment to think about this. Go ahead, I will give you a moment to reflect on if you have ever felt this, still do, or do you feel you may have done this to someone else, not realizing you were doing it. (Unless they told you constantly and you were being dismissive.) 

Learning what the wounds are and the impact is crucial to understanding yourself and those around you that we love and care about. 

Now, if you are living with these wounds personally, or your partner is from a past relationship or in your current relationship, I invite you to heal together. It will help build your relationship together to be stronger than ever or you will realize it is time to make a major change in your life. Below are some tools you can use to regulate your nervous system(s).

• Somatic practices - Somatic means “dealing with the body”. 

1. Sit with your back against the wall. Feel the weight of your body supported.

2. Hold a warm mug or stone in your hands and notice the texture and heat (my favorite).

3. Lie on the floor and gently press your palms and feet into the ground. 

4. Put on calming music. 

5. Walk barefoot on the grass (Called grounding)

6. Curl into a ball and rock side to side like you're holding yourself (I used to do this as a little girl, no joke.)

7. Rage ceremony + Movement (yell, scream, hit a pillow, dance it out)

8. Cry. Fucken cry. PLEASE. And cry without trying to stop it or explain it. Let it flow.
   
   
   

• Nervous system regulation

1. Place your hand on your heart space and breathe slowly for one minute. 

2. Come to a breathwork and cacao ceremony or book a solo one on one with someone from Inspired Warrior Project

3. Wrap yourself in a soft or weighted blanket and press it into your body like a cocoon. 

4. Sit in the shower and let the water run over your back. (Not a cold shower)

5. Inhale for 4 counts. Hold for 4.Exhale for 4. Hold for 4. Repeat 6 times. This is called boxed breathing.
   
   
   

• Boundaries + communication (Communication is a huge key to setting and holding your boundaries).

1. Learn what your boundaries are first and foremost if you don’t know what they are. 

2. When something comes up for you, name it and speak on it or journal about it before reacting.  

3. When someone does something that has upset you or crossed a boundary, ask them if you can speak with them about it. 

1. When speaking to someone about what is going on or bothering you, make sure you are both at eye level, take a deep breath, then speak in a calm tone. 

4. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. 

5. Respect others boundaries

6. If you are listening to someone who you have crossed their boundaries, listen and repeat what they said. 

1. Ask them questions to better understand

2. Come up with a solution together 
   
   
   

THE TOOLS TO RECLAIM YOUR POWER

Rebuild Self-Trust

When your feelings were dismissed, you may have learned to second-guess yourself. Healing asks you to rebuild that trust — gently, one moment at a time.

Journal Prompt: Where have I silenced my feelings because I was told they were “too much” or “not valid”? How can I begin honoring those feelings today?
Affirmation: My feelings are real. My truth is worthy of being heard.

Regulate the Nervous System

Dismissive love leaves your body in constant fight-or-flight. To heal, you must remind your nervous system that safety is possible again. Breathwork, sound baths, cacao, movement, and rest all help re-teach your body how to soften.

Journal Prompt: What sensations does my body hold when I feel dismissed or abandoned? How can I release that energy through movement, breath, or rest?
Affirmation: My body is safe to relax. I allow myself to exhale what I no longer need.

Release Hypervigilance

When someone withdraws, it’s easy to spiral into obsessive thoughts — Why aren’t they texting back? Did I do something wrong? Healing means catching the story before it consumes you and choosing a gentler one.

Journal Prompt:When I catch myself overthinking or obsessing over silence, what story am I telling myself? What would a more compassionate story sound like?
Affirmation: I do not need to chase to feel secure. Peace lives within me.

Set Boundaries + Communicate Needs

You deserve to have your needs honored, not minimized. Practice saying: “I need…” instead of shrinking back. Boundaries are not walls — they’re bridges that protect your energy and invite respect.

Journal Prompt: Where in my relationships do I shrink, mute, or hide my needs? What is one small boundary I can practice expressing this week?
Affirmation: I honor my voice without apology. My needs matter.

Reclaim Your Authentic Self

Dismissive love often makes you dim parts of yourself to stay “acceptable.” Healing means calling those pieces back — your laughter, your creativity, your desires, your fire.

Journal Prompt: What parts of myself have I dimmed down to be accepted by others? How can I invite those parts back into my life now?
Affirmation: I am whole, even when I stand alone. My authenticity is my strength.

Anchor into Self-Love & Worthiness

At the root of healing is remembering this truth: you are lovable and enough, no matter who chooses you or who doesn’t. Create rituals that remind you daily of your worth — whether it’s cacao in the morning, journaling, or standing in front of the mirror and saying: “I am worthy.”

Journal Prompt: What daily ritual (big or small) helps me remember I am lovable and enough, no matter who chooses me?
Affirmation: I am worthy of safe, secure, lasting love.

Scar to Strength

Healing after dismissive love isn’t about erasing the wounds — it’s about transforming them into wisdom, compassion, and deeper self-respect.

You can’t control how someone else shows up, but you can always choose to show up for yourself.
You can’t rewrite the past, but you can rewrite the story you tell yourself about it.
You can’t force love to be safe, but you can learn to create safety within.

Awareness was step one. Healing is step two. And with each step, you move from scar to strength.

If you’re ready to dive deeper into healing attachment wounds and reclaiming your worth, join me inside the Inspired Warrior Project community. Explore breathwork, coaching, and tools designed to help you break the cycle and create the love you deserve. See all of our upcoming events HERE. Book a session HERE, or listen to our podcast, HERE, where we have special guests and Kass get vulnerable and you here more true life events to help you see that you are not alone and that there is a way out, to find yourself again and fully love yourself.