Acceptance in Attachment Styles through the lens of IFS
You Are Not Your Attachment Style
It’s easy to label ourselves: “I’m anxious.” “I’m avoidant.” “I’m too much.”
But the truth is — you are not your attachment style.
Your style is simply the map your nervous system created to survive love, loss, and connection. And through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we see that attachment styles are not flaws, but parts of us doing their best to protect us.
(Don’t worry, I will give you some examples for context and to assist in helping to understand dynamics within a relationship (platonic or otherwise).
WHAT IS IFS?
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems, a therapeutic model created by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It’s built on the understanding that we are not “one self,” but rather a system of parts within us — each carrying different roles, wounds, and protective strategies.
Here’s a breakdown:
The Core Ideas of IFS
Parts:
Exiles → the vulnerable parts that carry pain, shame, and unmet needs from the past.
Managers → proactive protectors that try to keep you in control, avoid rejection, and prevent pain.
Firefighters → reactive protectors that step in when pain breaks through, often numbing or distracting (through anger, shutdown, addiction, etc.).
Self: At the center of us all is Self — calm, compassionate, connected, curious, courageous, creative, confident, and clear. In IFS, healing means letting Self lead while giving parts space to be seen and understood.
Attachment styles emerge as these parts interact, each trying to protect us in relationships.
THE CONTEXT BEFORE WE JUMP IN (INSIGHT INTO MY SITUATIONSHIP)
There was an incident that happened, in which I just spoke about on Instagram, where I had written my Inspired Adonis Blog and started sharing it with the public, so I sent it to everyone in my contact list, which happened to include the “Situationships” family and many others. The blog was about my sexual abuse (somewhat graphic) and how have meeting the situationship I was able to overcome some things sexually being with him.
I received a very angry call from him.
What do you think I triggered in hiim? and…
In turn, what do you think happened with me and how he triggered me?
You will learn more below, that he felt betrayed by me and I felt unheard and abandoned in this moment.
And from this day forward, I would learn shut down, stay quite, not share feelings or emotions with him, or I would subdue to him (people-please), I would easily spiral in my thoughts, in my actions to make him happy and keep him close out of fear of losing him. I would panic when he would leave me behind to go to family functions. The shame, guilt and eventually depression set in to the point of getting suicidal again.
I know for myself from that day forward, I was never the same. I changed up the blog and to date, it is no longer on my blog. I was silenced.
IFS & Attachment Styles
IFS helps explain why we develop certain attachment patterns in relationships:
Anxious Attachment:
EXILE: Often comes from exiled parts that fear abandonment.
MANAGERS: May overfunction (people-pleasing, seeking reassurance).
FIREFIGHTERS: May spiral into panic when connection feels threatened.
IFS reframes this not as “clingy,” but as parts working overtime to protect the exile from rejection.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment:
EXILE: Carries pain of being unseen or invalidated.
PROTECTORS: Usually shut down emotions and create distance to prevent pain.
FIREFIGHTERS: Will numb, withdraw, disconnect or minimize theirs and others needs.
What looks like “coldness” is actually protectors shielding the exile from ever feeling neglected again.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment:
EXILE: They usually long for love and fear betrayal.
PROTECTORS: Will pull you in close and then push you away.
THE INNER CONFLICT: A tug-of-war between craving intamacy and fearing pain it can bring.
Parts are in conflict — some crave love (exiles), while others fear it (protectors). Push-pull dynamics show up here.
IFS sees this as parts working against each other — all trying to keep the system safe.
Secure Attachment: Reflects Self-led living, where parts feel safe enough to step back and let compassion and calm guide connection. Secure attachment doesn’t mean “perfect.” It means Self is leading — calm, compassionate, connected.
Parts still show up, but they feel safe enough to relax, knowing Self is in charge.
Acceptance: Honoring All Styles
Instead of shaming yourself — “Why am I like this?” — IFS invites curiosity:
“Which parts of me are showing up in this relationship?”
“What are they protecting me from?”
And when it comes to your partner? Their style is theirs. Their parts are theirs. You can hold compassion, but it’s not your job to fix or heal them.
Why It Matters
IFS reframes attachment styles not as flaws, but as strategies parts created to protect us. Instead of saying, “I’m broken because I’m avoidant/anxious,” we can say:
“A part of me learned to protect me this way. I can honor it, listen to it, and invite healing.”
Steps Toward Growth
Notice without judgment — When parts activate, pause and name what’s happening.
Lead from Self — Anchor in compassion, calm, clarity.
Honor your partner’s journey — Their parts belong to them. Healing is personal.
Invite safe connection — Boundaries, honesty, and rituals of connection create security.
Mantra for Healing
I honor my journey.
I honor my partner’s journey.
We are two humans, learning love together.
Your attachment style is not your identity — it’s the language of your parts. And the more compassion you bring to them, the more you invite healing, connection, and secure love.
🖤 Remember: you are not broken. You are becoming.
If you’re ready to dive deeper into healing attachment wounds and reclaiming your worth, join me inside the Inspired Warrior Project community. Explore breathwork, coaching, and tools designed to help you break the cycle and create the love you deserve. See all of our upcoming events HERE. Book a session HERE, or listen to our podcast, HERE, where we have special guests and Kass get vulnerable and you here more true life events to help you see that you are not alone and that there is a way out, to find yourself again and fully love yourself.
